

 The  1st Affair
The  1st Affair A married man was having  an affair with his secretary. 
One day they went  to her place and made love all  afternoon. 
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke  up at 8 PM. 
The man hurriedly dressed 
and told  his lover to take his shoes 
outside and rub them in the grass  and dirt. 
He put on his shoes and drove  home. 
'Where have you been?' his wife  demanded. 
'I can't lie to you,' he  replied, 
'I'm having an affair with my  secretary. 
We had sex all afternoon.' 
She looked  down at his shoes and said: 
'You lying  bastard! 
You've been playing golf!' 
The  2nd Affair A  middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters 
but always  talked about having a son. 
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. 
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby  boy. 
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. 
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. 
He told his wife:  'There's no way I can 
be the father of this  baby. 
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! 
Have you been fooling around behind my back?' 
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 
'No, not this time…!' 
The  3rd Affair 
A  mortician was working late one night. 
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, 
and made  a startling discovery. 
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! 
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be  cremated 
with such an impressive private part. 
It must be saved for posterity.' 
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, 
and took it  home. 
'I have something to show, you won't  believe,
' he said to his wife, opening his  briefcase. 
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!' 
The  4th Affair A woman was in  bed with her lover when she
heard her  husband opening the front door. 
'Hurry,' she  said, 'stand in the corner.' 
She rubbed baby oil all over him, 
then dusted him with talcum powder. 
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said.
'Pretend you're a statue.' 
'What's this?' the husband inquired 
as  he entered the room. 
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it 
so I  got one for us, too.' 
No more was said, 
not even  when they went to bed. 
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned 
with a sandwich  and a beer. 
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. 
I stood like that for two days at the  Smiths 
and nobody offered me a damned thing.' 
The 5th  Affair A man walked into a cafe, 
went  to the bar and ordered a beer. 
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.. 
He glanced at the menu and asked: 
'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?' 
'A nickel,' the barman replied. 
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 
'Where's the guy who owns this place?' 
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.' 
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?' 
The bartender replied: 
'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.' 
The  6th & Best Affair Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. 
He looked up and said weakly: 
'I have something I must confess…' 
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied. 
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. 
I slept with your sister, your best friend, 
her best friend, and your mother!' 
'I  know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'