Mental Humor

Yesterday, I was walking along the fence to the hospital's mental wing
and I could hear a chorus of patients in the courtyard shouting, "13....13....13....."

I couldn't see through the fence, but I saw a small peephole in the
planks, so I looked through to see what was happening.

Some idiot squirted me in the eye with water!

Then they all started shouting, "14....14....14......"

After a brief recovery, I almost laughed up my lunch.

A Boy Named Sue

Singh is King!

You never heard about him,but he is the KING!!

Fauja Singh in an Adidas poster !!!
Fauja in Adidas 'Nothing Is Impossible' advertising campaign.He replaced David Beckham as Adidas’s new poster boy. On the Adidas billboards, spread across London, he was sitting cross-legged; as if cooling his heals after a day’s work out, peeping over Londoners, tired and overworked, telling them the secrets of his unfailing energy.

Fauja Singh, Britain’s most popular Sikh is 98 now, the oldest runner in London Marathon.He is threatening to break his own world record of 5.40 hours in the 90 plus age bracket that he set previously. While running Marathon races in London, New York and Toronto, he raised thousands of pounds for various charities promoting Sikh culture around the world. He has also raised money for B.L.I.S.S., a charity dedicated to the care for premature babies. He describes it as the ‘oldest running for the youngest.Fauja’s jogging skills were developed on an Indian farm in Punjab, and then at the magical age of 81, when he moved to the UK, his love for the sport became more “serious”.

Fauja Singh (born April 1, 1911) is a Sikh marathon runner in his nineties from India who is a world-record holder in his age bracket. His current personal best time for the London marathon is 6 hours 2 minutes, and his marathon record, for age 90-plus, is 5 hours 40 minutes.Fauja Singh shot to fame, when aged 89, he completed the gruelling 26.2 mile distance in 6 hours and 54 minutes. This knocked 58 minutes off the previous world best for anyone in the 90 plus age bracket. The career of this extraordinary Marathon runner is closely supervised by his personal trainer Harminder Singh. He says ‘he can still run for a few more years. And perhaps he might be the oldest man to run a Marathon.

Fauja Singh came to London in 1992 to live with his son after his wife’s death in his village in Jalandhar. He says ‘Sitting at home was really killing. Most elderly people in Britain eat a rich diet, don’t move about and only travel in cars, and that makes them sick’. He wasn’t prepared to go the same way. So he took up jogging initially to beat the boredom of sitting at home.

‘I never thought of running a Marathon then. But slowly it grew.’ What surprises many is that he supports is eight stone and six feet tall body frame with a very simple vegetarian diet. ‘I am very careful about different foods. My diet is simple phulka, dal, green vegetables, yoghurt and milk. I do not touch parathas, pakoras, rice or any other fried food. I take lots of water and tea with ginger’.And that smile is eternally fixed beneath his silver haired beard. Perhaps that’s the reason behind his strikingly inspiring and positive attitude. ‘I go to bed early taking the name of my Rabba [God] as I don’t want all those negative thoughts crossing my mind.’ Doesn’t he find it difficult to cover 26 miles at this age? ‘The first 20 miles are not difficult. As for last six miles, I run while talking to God.’

Adidas signed him up for its ‘Nothing Is Impossible’ advertising campaign. He won’t reveal how much money the deal involves, but says that a large part of his earnings goes to charity.

Fauja Singh has stated,”I won’t stop running until I die.. The next target, God willing, is to be the oldest marathon runner ever.

Fauja Singh hopes to return in 2009 to break the record for the oldest marathon runner - presently held by a 98-year-old Greek athlete.

His profile as found on Face Book:

Born: 1st April 1911 in India
Former Occupation: Farmer
Running Career: Rediscovered at age of 81
Diet: Ginger Curry
Marathons: London (5), Toronto (1), New York (1)
Marathon Debut: London, 2000 aged 89
London Marathon Personal Best: 6h 2m
London Flora Marathon 2000 6 Hours 54 m
London Flora Marathon 2001 6 Hours 54 m
London Flora Marathon 2002 6 Hours 45 m
Bupa Great North Run (Half Marathon) 2002 2h 39m
London Flora Marathon 2003 6h 2m
Toronto Waterfront Marathon 2003 5h 40m
New York City Marathon 2003 7h 35m
London Flora Marathon 2004 6h 7m
Glasgow City Half Marathon 2004 2h 33m
Capital Radio Help a London Child 10,000m 2004 68m
Toronto Waterfront Half Marathon 2004 2h 29m 59s

Taliban captive won his release by cooking curry

Somen Debnath was travelling through the war-torn country as part of a five-year bicycle ride through 33 countries to promote Aids awareness.But he was taken by armed militants – who assumed he was a spy – as he travelled through the remote region of Herat.

He spent three weeks blindfolded strapped to a chair in a pitch black 10ft by 10ft dungeon living in daily fear that he would be killed.

Unable to understand his captors' commands, Indian-born Mr Debnath, 28, was regularly beaten for disobeying orders, starved and repeatedly told he was going to die.

But after realising that one of his captors had a very basic grasp of English, he convinced him to allow him to cook them all a meal.

The Taliban kidnappers were so impressed with his banquet they decided he was ''safe'' and let him go.

Mr Debnath said: "I cooked hot, spicy Indian food for them the way we have it in the Sunderbans in India."

"They were very happy and told my interpreter that I seemed to be a safe guy."

"In the meantime, I had chatted up the interpreter and through our short exchanges, made it clear that I was just a man who was out on adventure and had no intentions of harming their cause."

"The interpreter must have passed this on and I was set free after 24 days. The first sunlight which hit my eyes out in the open almost blinded me."

Mr Debnath, who has a degree from India in zoology and fine arts, set off on his bike from his village of Sunderbans, east India, in 2004.

His plan was to visit 191 countries by 2020 to highlight the plight of Aids across the globe and entered Afghanistan across the Pakistan border earlier this year.

But last month, as he cycled through the remote foothills of the Taliban territory of Herat, 138km from Kabul, Mr Debnath was snatched by militants, blindfolded and held hostage.

''I was looking for a newspaper office or at least some Indian official and it was obvious that I knew nothing of Herat,'' he added.

"Suddenly, a group of around 10 burly men, clad in traditional Afghan clothes and turbans, with bearded faces covered by scarves, surrounded me and started asking me questions."

"I could not answer them because I did not understand their language. They blindfolded me and took me to their hideout. I had no idea where it was. It was semi-arid land.

"I was put in a jailhouse. I did not see any other inmates though."

"I was given no food except some rice and a morsel of beef. I had to survive on that for three days."

"At times, they beat me up in frustration for not understanding their commands. I was repeatedly asked whether I had read the Holy Koran, whether I was a Hindu, whether I was a Pakistani, why was I carrying exercise books, what notes had I taken."

"I knew I would be slaughtered, I simply stood no chance."

"Most of time, I was strapped and tied with rough coir strings except when they allowed me to go to the lavatory."

He added: "I knew that the only hope was in total surrender."

"I told them that I respected their religion and admired their way of life. I told them that I believed in equality of all religions though even while saying this, I knew the sword could fall on my neck."

After 24 gruelling and terrifying days Mr Debnath was released and will travel home to tell his family of his ordeal – but has vowed to visit 191 countries before 2020.

Unable to attract even a single girl, frustrated man sues Axe

New Delhi. In what could prove to be a major marketing and legal embarrassment for Hindustan Unilever Limited (HUL), a 26-year-old man has filed a case against the FMCG company, which owns the Axe brand of men grooming products, for ‘cheating’ and causing him ‘mental suffering’. The plaintiff has cited his failure to attract any girl at all even though he’s been using Axe products for over seven years now. Axe advertisements suggest that the products help men in instantly attracting women.

Vaibhav Bedi, the petitioner, also surrendered all his used, unused and half-used deodorant sprays, perfume sticks and roll-ons, anti-perspirants, aftershaves, body washes, shampoos, and hair gels to the court, and demanded a laboratory test of the products and narcotics test of the brand managers of Axe. Vaibhav was pushed to take this step when his maid beat him with a broom when he tried to impress her by appearing naked in front of her after applying all the Axe products.

“Where is the Axe effect? I’ve been waiting for it for over seven years. Right from my college to now in my office, no girl ever agreed to even go out for a tea or coffee with me, even though I’m sure they could smell my perfumes, deodorants and aftershaves. I always applied them in abundance to make sure the girls get turned on as they show in the television. Finally I thought I’d try to impress my lonely maid who had an ugly fight with her husband and was living alone for over a year. Axe effect my foot!” Vaibhav expressed his unhappiness.

Vaibhav claims that he had been using all the Axe products as per the company’s instructions even since he first bought them. He argued that if he couldn’t experience the Axe effect despite using the products as directed, either the company was making false claims or selling fake products.

“I had always stored them in cool and dry place, and kept them away from direct light or heat. I’d always use a ruler before applying the spray and make sure that the distance between the nozzle and my armpit was at least 15 centimetres. I’d do everything they told. I even beat up my 5-year-old nephew for coming near my closet, as they had instructed it to keep away from children’s reach. And yet, all I get is a broom beating from my ugly maid.” Vaibhav expressed his frustration.

Vaibhav claims that he had to do go a lot of mental suffering and public humiliation due to the lack of Axe effect and wants HUL to compensate him for this agony. An advocate in Karkardooma Court, who happened to mistake Vaibhav for some deodorant vendor when he entered the court premises with all the bottles, has now offered to take up his case in the court. HUL has been served a legal notice in this regard.

HUL has officially declined to comment on the case citing the subject to be sub judice, but our sources inform that the company was worried over the possible outcomes of the case. The company might argue that Vaibhav was hopelessly unattractive and unintelligent and didn’t possess the bare minimum requirements for the Axe effect to take place. Officially HUL has not issued any statement, but legal experts believe that HUL could have tough time convincing the court.

“HUL might be tempted to take that line of argument, but it is very risky. There is no data to substantiate the supposition that unattractive and unintelligent men don’t attract women. In fact some of the best looking women have been known to marry and date absolutely ghoulish guys. I’d suggest that the company settles this issue out of court.” noted lawyer Ram Jethmalani said.

Meet the sexual healer who has slept with 1,500 men

Mare Simone, 54, calls herself a "sex surrogate" and has devoted her working life to helping men, women and couples overcome problems in the bedroom. As a qualified sex therapist, she has given lessons in love to more than 10,000 clients over the past 23 years.

And while she estimates she has had penetrative sex with 1,500 of them, she insists there is nothing illegal about what she does. Mare says: "I earn my living by sleeping with other women's husbands or boyfriends. But I am in no way a prostitute as sex surrogacy is legal, as long as it is done in a therapeutic and healing atmosphere.
"People are paying for counseling and to cure their problems - not sex.

"I am helping improve and change the sex lives of thousands of men, which means I am also helping improve the sex lives of their wives and girlfriends.

"Some women become baby surrogates because they want to help women who can't have children. In the same way, I feel drawn to helping others have an intimate sex life.
"My job is so fulfilling and enjoyable. Seeing my customers leave with a new-found sexual confidence is a wonderful sight."

Single Mare, from Chelsea, West London, holds around five sessions A DAY and sees people from all walks of life. She says: "My clients are all ages, shapes, sizes and professions. They have either been recommended to see me by a sex therapist or former client or they seek me out through sexual surrogate organizations.

"The men generally need help with erection and premature ejaculation problems or have been sent by their wives because they weren't pleasing them in bed. Before they see me, they all have an STD test, and must always use a condom when seeing me.
"I also have some women come to me. Their problems are usually that they can't orgasm or have had bad lovers. I show them how to pleasure themselves and make them love their bodies.

"Some visit me for a few sessions, while others have around 12, depending on the extent of their problems.

"All of my sessions start in the same way. We start by chatting while I caress their hands to make them feel relaxed and confident with me.

"During the next few sessions I move to giving them back and shoulder massages, so the client relaxes further while talking about their problems.
"Following that, we do a mirror exercise. This is where the client and I will both take off our clothes and look at our bodies in the mirror.

"Usually, they feel very timid about their bodies and find it difficult to look at themselves. But when they realise I am not judging them, they begin to open up and feel confident.

"At that stage I move on to front body massages. I take over 'down below', showing them how they should be touching themselves.

"Finally, it's time to put everything into practice. This is the stage of lovemaking, so they can learn how to control themselves and solve their sexual problems.
"My job is basically to make people realise their problems are not just physical. They are in the mind and have a lot to do with self-confidence."

Mare has not always been so sexually open. At the age of 19, she was raped by a male friend after accepting a late-night lift home from a party.
Too afraid to report the attack, she lost her confidence in men and sex. When she married her first husband, Victor, ten years later, she still could not bear to be touched intimately.

She recalls: "My fear of sex put a huge strain on my marriage and I knew deep down it was due to the rape.

"Overnight I went from being outgoing to being introverted. When I did date, I found making love scary and traumatic.

"When I married Victor, our sex life was never great and after four years we divorced but we have remained friends.

"It was then that a friend recommended I start reading about tantric sex and sexual surrogacy.

"Learning about this unknown world of sexual healing made me feel that there was hope for me to get my sexual confidence back."

Mare decided to take a four-day course in sex therapy, where she learnt about tantric sex, an ancient Hindu practice that concentrates on a slower form of sex. "It was fascinating and during the course I also realised, for the first time, that the rape I had endured a decade before was not my fault. I could enjoy sex without feeling dirty, ashamed or guilty."

Now, Mare spends most of her time working in the US, where she is inundated with clients.

She says: "I see about four or five people a day and charge around £100 for a session.

"Sometimes I will have sex with a husband in front of his wife, to show them both how to be more sensitive lovers. Often, couples find just talking openly to a stranger about the problems in their love life helps in the bedroom."

Although she is proud of her job, she still finds it difficult to tell friends and family about her work. She also does not discuss it with any potential boyfriends.
She says: "I usually tell them I am a yoga teacher, until I trust them enough. Some can't cope with it and run a mile, while others simply find it fascinating and are impressed.

"A few trusted friends know what I do but my family would be horrified to hear about my daily life.

"As part of my work, I regularly do sexual surrogacy tours, travelling the world, helping people with their most intimate problems.

"The last time I was in London I saw 30 clients, some who had booked me months in advance.

"It's amazing how many people in the UK desperately want help with their sex lives, but have no idea where to turn.

"There are many sex surrogates in the US but they are extremely rare in the UK.
"People have to understand that intimate sex sometimes has to be learned. It does not come naturally to some people.

"The stress of modern life can cause problems and it's my job to fix that.

"Since I started surrogacy work, I have seen more than 10,000 clients and estimate that I have had penetrative sex with around 1,500 men. I continue to see clients weekly.

"Witnessing the men and women I help make huge improvements and feel confident about their bodies is wonderful.

"In the 20 years I have been doing this job, I have never felt miserable about going to work. I love what I do and have no plans to retire within the next ten years.

"I am a sexual healer and so proud and happy that I found my dream job."

The Winter Cometh

We travel, initially, to lose ourselves; and we travel, next, to find ourselves. We travel to open our hearts and eyes and learn more about the world than our newspapers will accommodate. We travel to bring what little we can, in our ignorance and knowledge, to those parts of the globe whose riches are differently dispersed. And we travel, in essence, to become young fools again—to slow time down and get taken in, and fall in love once more.
-Pico Iyer
The age of the hill station mirrored the period when seaside resorts, spas and the great mountain lodges were built in Europe and the United States. In some case, the style and atmosphere of these European or American mountain retreats were consciously copied in the colonies. The Adirondacks influenced a planner of Baguio, in the Philippines for example. But in colonial Asia, the relatively high altitude hill station, usually at 5,000 to 8,000 feet above sea level, always had to be more than just a resort. The hill station was also a genteel fantasyland, a retreat from reality where the homesick colonial could be cosseted by the atmosphere of a European hometown, down to its familiar institutions: the club, the library, the village church. The hill station at its homiest was and is a phenomenon most often associated with the British in India, but the French, the Americans, and to some extent the Dutch also endowed them with similar properties. As Indians, we must now take pride in announcing to the world a completely made by Indians – Hill-station!
If you're looking for an exotic winter vacation with clouds in your hair and memorable nature trails, Lavasa as a hill-station is hard to beat. Citrus Citrus has pulled together some ideas for adventurous types more interested in exploring the rain forests of Lavasa or the rappelling off Ekaant than hanging out in the shopping malls of cities such as Tokyo, Seoul, Hong Kong, or Singapore. Even so, the Lavasa resort selections offer all the amenities one finds in major urban centers. Here's a sampling of what Lavasa has to offer this winter vacation season.
The best time of the year for water-sports activities is now! Lavasa is turning out to be the water-sports capital of the country – with personal water jets, speed-boats, pontoon boats, inflatable dinghies and a water-obstacle floating dock! Again the winter months will be the best time to see the almost-extinct fresh-water crabs & the fruit-bats of Lavasa. For the trekking enthusiasts, the nature trails are full of flowers & butterflies the next 4 months! For the adventurous types, go rappelling with the official adventure co of Lavasa – Z-bac! I can bet my last penny that someone who steps foot into Lavasa for the first time will skip a heart-beat! It is a mini-Switzerland in Maharashtra! Its not only tourism that is being promoted – the Lavasa Corporation is also supporting traditional crafts of the villagers around and the first cooperative for bamboo weaving is called Bamboosa!
By now all of us have heard (too often) the old Proust line about how the real voyage of discovery consists not in seeing new places but in seeing with new eyes. Yet one of the subtler beauties of travel is that it enables you to bring new eyes to the people you encounter. Thus even as holidays help you appreciate your own home more—not least by seeing it through a distant admirer’s eyes—they help you bring newly appreciative—distant—eyes to the places you visit. You can teach them what they have to celebrate as much as you celebrate what they have to teach. This, I think, is how tourism, which so obviously destroys cultures, can also resuscitate or revive them, how it has created new “traditional” handicraft outlets, and caused craftsmen in villages around Lavasa to pay new attention to their works. If the first thing we can bring the Indians is a real and balanced sense of what contemporary Lavasa is like, the second—and perhaps more important—thing we can bring them is a fresh and renewed sense of how special are the warmth and beauty of this town or hill-station, for those who can compare it with other places around the globe.
Thus travel spins us round in two ways at once: It shows us the sights and values and issues that we might ordinarily ignore; but it also, and more deeply, shows us all the parts of ourselves that might otherwise grow rusty. For in traveling to a new place, we inevitably travel to moods and states of mind and hidden inward passages that we’d otherwise seldom have cause to visit. The beauty of this whole process was best described, perhaps, before people even took to frequent flying, by George Santayana in his lapidary essay, “The Philosophy of Travel.” We “need sometimes,” the Harvard philosopher wrote, “to escape into open solitudes, into aimlessness, into the moral holiday of running some pure hazard, in order to sharpen the edge of life, to taste hardship, and to be compelled to work desperately for a moment at no matter what.”
Welcome to Lavasa!