The Booty Caller Texts You When to Make Babies

As my friends reach that point in life when they make babies (voluntarily), I can't help but be remiss that I didn't spot The Booty Caller earlier to lend a hand with conception.

The Booty Caller is a series of text messages (3 per menstrual cycle) that lets women know when they're most likely to be fertile and provide helpful fertility advice. This is the first time that ovulation alerts have been sent to cell phones — We tell you when, you decide where!

Booty Caller is a series of 18 text messages (three per menstrual cycle) that lets women know when they're most likely to be fertile and provides helpful fertility advice. When women sign up for Booty Caller, they will begin to receive text messages to their phone. Sample messages include:

• "Your fertile window starts in 1 week. Find out if your chances of getting pregnant are better in the morning."

• "Your fertile window opens today and lasts 5 more days. Stress can get in the way of conception so relax and get a massage, meditate, or take a yoga class."

• "Today is your last fertile day! If you get pregnant during this cycle, your due date will be on or around 6.25.2009.”

We're guessing that other messages include:

• You are fertile today. You will not be fertile tomorrow. Relax, this is your absolute last chance for a child.

• Tomorrow, you will be fertile. Today, you should deploy all necessary website blockers on your partner's computer.

• In this economy, are you really sure?

Eggs From Heaven

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter".

Brian was stunned, "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back right away".

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad," replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."

"Never," replies Brian. "Well just relax and let it happen."

And so he did, and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him..ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting, "Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shittin' in the bed."