Peanuts...Forever

Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house and shone his flashlight around looking for valuables.

He picked up a CD player when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: 'Jesus is watching you.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight and froze.

When he heard nothing more he continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out he heard: 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically. Finally, in the corner of the room his light beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

"The kind that would name a Doberman as Jesus."

The FAO Schwartz Piano

Weekend Humor

The Italian Confession

Middle Age Crisis

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a smalltown, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,
Sheila

Robin Williams on Africa

Retirement or Bust?

Burger For Mrs Wong

Focussing

Devil's Swimming Pool

In Zambia, Africa, you will find the magnificent Victoria Falls, at a height of 128m. The location is known as the 'Devil's Swimming Pool'. During the months of September-December, people can swim as close as possible to the edge of the falls without falling over. These falls are becoming well known amongst the 'Radical Tourist' Industry, when more and more people search for the ultimate experience .Would you dare?

Belated Woman's Day Wishes

Simple Jokes For Twisted Minds

Dark Humor

Digital Naturopathy

Second Opinion

Life After 40

Tiger Woods in Ireland

On a golf tour in Ireland , Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, who knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the morning' to yer sir'", says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "Hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two Tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those ?'" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"well, what on good God's earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving"' says Tiger.

"Fooking Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everyting........"

Odds and Ends

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go.

Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.

Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still not good.

Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.

So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." No way.

"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope.

"Nuts and Butts?" Uh uh.

"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

And they loved it.