Fashionable Adoptions

The New US Currency

Lawyer Tale

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around,
faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said,'Listen up, Buddy.
I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car,
front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down,
naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . it doesn't matter to me.
I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,
'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?'

Not Everybody Pays

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'

'Oh, really? Darn!' said the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money? 'You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no', said the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks this thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.'

'Well, that seems only fair' laughs the cop. 'OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', said the little old lady, 'not everybody pays'.

Chicken Soup For The Beer

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy


"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine
invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
~ "Unknown"

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in
a can!

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the
Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Dark Circles Under The Eyes

Brain Scan

Child Support Agency Forms - Dallas, USA 2007

The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing fathers name details.  
1.Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.  
2.I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.  
3.I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.  
4.I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.  
5.I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.  
6.I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.  
7.I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to me.
8.Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?  
9.From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.  
10.So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.  
11.I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after All when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
Amen!

Traditional Cryopreservation

Two Lawyers

Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything , including their hot-blooded secretary . 

One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter. 

The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, "I can't take this, I'm going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!" 

The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face. 

"What happened ?" asked the waiting car occupant. 

The other partner announced, "They were twins and mine died!"


Modern Wonders of India

India's rise as a 21st century global economic force is mirrored in a new building boom of corporate campuses, shopping malls, movie studios, and skyscrapers, many of which reflect a growing trend of sustainable architecture. Just as the classic Indian wonders of the world—from the elegant Taj Mahal to the spectacular temples at Khajuraho—evoke a characteristically South Asian style, India's newest wonders distinguish themselves from other nations' contemporary building types.
International powerhouse companies headquartered in India, such as Tata Consultancy Services, Wipro, and Infosys, are planning and constructing show-stopping offices that recall and update traditional Indian edifices, rather than mirror the generic glass boxes of Silicon Valley. Here are 10 examples of the new Indian architecture, by a spectrum of designers based around the world and in India. All of these superlative projects share one thing: They bridge India's rich history and bright economic future.
The latest available statistics from the World Bank indicate that India's gross domestic product has seen annual growth of 8.5%—more than doubling the 4% of 2000. Reflecting this growth and the country's increasing presence on the international stage as an IT and economic powerhouse, the nation's leading companies, including Wipro (WIT ), Infosys (INFY ), and Tata Consultancy Services are constructing new corporate campuses. Similar to China's architectural boom , India's forthcoming wave of slick contemporary architecture, even beyond offices, symbolizes the Asian nation's rocketing economy, which first began to open up 15 years ago. Via a series of superlative skyscrapers, shopping centers, and residences that are the tallest, the largest, the "greenest," or the first of their kind, the country is quickly presenting itself as a 21st century global power.
In 2005, for example, Infosys Technologies opened its $65.4 million Global Education Center in Mysore. Located on a 270-acre, $119 million campus, the facility is the largest IT training center in the world, accommodating 4,500 trainees at any given time and hosting up to 15,000 per year. The center is being expanded to handle double the number of employees. While its glassy, futuristic design might evoke corporate buildings in Silicon Valley, the campus also features an Indian touch: a cricket pitch. Software, engineering, and management-consulting giant Wipro commissioned Indian architect Vidur Bhardwaj to design an office in Gurgaon based on the traditional structure, the haveli (a house built around an open-air courtyard). Meanwhile, Tata Consultancy Services, a division of mega-conglomerate Tata Group, will soon see a sprawling, $200 million campus in Chennai designed by noted Uruguayan architect Carlos Ott (a nod to Tata's expansion into Latin America). Buildings will feature a step-like structure recalling those found in centuries-old South Indian temples—only these are rendered in ultra-contemporary glass. It's scheduled to be completed next year and will boast the tallest tower in Southern India.
New York architects Tod Williams and Billie Tsien, have designed a new Bombay campus for Tata Consultancy Services (to be completed by 2010) that incorporates elements such as a jali, a traditional carved screen used for centuries as both sunshade and ventilated wall. Williams and Tsien's jali is more angular and contemporary and less florid than screens of the past. But it serves as a nod to Indian architectural history as well as providing an eco-friendly way to keep offices cool using natural shade and ventilation. Projects such as Williams and Tsien's design for Tata make use of natural light and ventilation, cutting down on energy consumption that contributes to air pollution. Vidur Bhardwaj's haveli design for Wipro is not only an homage to traditional Indian buildings, but also provides cost-effective cooling—via the open-air public courtyard — that's necessary for hot Indian days. Carlos Ott's forthcoming Chennai campus for Tata Consultancy Services uses these ideas and also recycles waste water to conserve resources, following the lead of the 2003 CII—Sohrabji Godrej Green Business Center in Hyderabad. This 20,000-square-foot minimalist office building became the only structure outside of the U.S. to receive the LEED (Leadership in Energy & Environment Design) Platinum ranking when it opened.
Will the new forms of Indian architecture endure as long as the spectacular Elephanta rock-cut temples (built circa 600 A.D.) or the elegant Taj Mahal (a wonder of the world dating back to the 17th-century Mughal era)? Only time will tell.

Did These Subjects Survive?

Its a lazy Sunday. Just got up after a long long snooze. Thought would put up some cerebral photographs. These were forwarded to me with a caption saying: Their Last Photos.

The Auditor

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?

"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover fore skins from the cir cumcisions you perform?

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the fore skins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

Why Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another public restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress Rs 75,000 . Suit Rs. 15,000. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood - all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about cars. A
five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is Rs. 100 for three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable
to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Diwali shopping for 25 relatives in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier. Would love responses from intelligent & sporting women.