A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX
At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked. 'The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a
new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA.
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion, she answered...'Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
I was caring for a woman and asked, 'So, how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's
dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN, no name
AND FINALLY!!!...
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'
Doctor wouldn't submit his name (Can't blame him!)
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
No more Baby Manjis in India, draft law on Surrogacy ready
New laws to regulate assisted reproductive technology in India will be introduced to Parliament later this year. The text of the Assisted Reproductive Technology (Regulation) Bill 2008 was published last month by the Indian Council of Medical Research (ICMR) for public comment. The bill aims to regulate surrogacy arrangements in the country where regulation is lacking, in addition to other technologies including pre-implantation genetic diagnosis (PGD) and research on embryos.
The bill will set up a National Advisory Board for Assisted Reproductive Technology to oversee the delivery of the services in the country. A regulatory body, the Registration Authority, will grant licences to fertility clinics to store gametes and offer fertility services. Embryo research must be performed on embryos donated for research and not stored beyond 14 days. Researchers must apply for a licence from the Registration Authority to perform research on embryos. The bill will also make it a criminal offence to perform sex-selection procedures except to prevent or treat a sex-linked disorder or disease.
Media reports last August about a baby girl, Manyi Yamada, showed inadequacies in India's regulation of surrogacy, which was legalised in 2002. Manyi was born to an Indian surrogate mother, but the Japanese couple who arranged the surrogacy split up prior to the birth of the child. The child's biological father sought parental rights over the child but Indian laws were not clear on the status of foreign parents involved in surrogacy arrangements within its borders and the matter had to be decided in the
courts. The new bill will clarify this area by making a surrogate child the legitimate child of a separated or divorced couple. Foreigners seeking surrogacy arrangements in the country will be required to register with their embassy and will have to state with whom the child should be looked after in the event of one of the parent's death. Following surrogacy, the child's birth certificate will show the names of both genetic parents. The bill also forbids women under 21 from entering into surrogacy arrangements and from having more than three live births in their lifetime. Once a surrogate child attains the age of 18, they may apply for information about their surrogate parent.
India's Health Ministry does not keep official statistics on the number of surrogate births in the country but it is believed to be low. Media reports suggest that surrogacy arrangements in India can attract surrogate fees of between $12,000 to $30,000, with the industry being worth around $445m. The bill does not ban offering surrogate mothers compensation for their services. Dr P M Bhargava, a member of the ICMR who helped draft the bill, told the Times of India that, 'considering all the news about surrogacy, including the recent case of the Japanese child, we realised that the new law addresses all the problem areas'.
The bill was timetabled to be debated by the Indian Parliament in the winter session. It met with stiff opposition from the Medical community and will be now reviewed by the Indian Law Ministry.
The bill will set up a National Advisory Board for Assisted Reproductive Technology to oversee the delivery of the services in the country. A regulatory body, the Registration Authority, will grant licences to fertility clinics to store gametes and offer fertility services. Embryo research must be performed on embryos donated for research and not stored beyond 14 days. Researchers must apply for a licence from the Registration Authority to perform research on embryos. The bill will also make it a criminal offence to perform sex-selection procedures except to prevent or treat a sex-linked disorder or disease.
Media reports last August about a baby girl, Manyi Yamada, showed inadequacies in India's regulation of surrogacy, which was legalised in 2002. Manyi was born to an Indian surrogate mother, but the Japanese couple who arranged the surrogacy split up prior to the birth of the child. The child's biological father sought parental rights over the child but Indian laws were not clear on the status of foreign parents involved in surrogacy arrangements within its borders and the matter had to be decided in the
courts. The new bill will clarify this area by making a surrogate child the legitimate child of a separated or divorced couple. Foreigners seeking surrogacy arrangements in the country will be required to register with their embassy and will have to state with whom the child should be looked after in the event of one of the parent's death. Following surrogacy, the child's birth certificate will show the names of both genetic parents. The bill also forbids women under 21 from entering into surrogacy arrangements and from having more than three live births in their lifetime. Once a surrogate child attains the age of 18, they may apply for information about their surrogate parent.
India's Health Ministry does not keep official statistics on the number of surrogate births in the country but it is believed to be low. Media reports suggest that surrogacy arrangements in India can attract surrogate fees of between $12,000 to $30,000, with the industry being worth around $445m. The bill does not ban offering surrogate mothers compensation for their services. Dr P M Bhargava, a member of the ICMR who helped draft the bill, told the Times of India that, 'considering all the news about surrogacy, including the recent case of the Japanese child, we realised that the new law addresses all the problem areas'.
The bill was timetabled to be debated by the Indian Parliament in the winter session. It met with stiff opposition from the Medical community and will be now reviewed by the Indian Law Ministry.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
P'njaab Airways : In-Flight Announcement
Gud marning, Ladies and Gen'lemen. P'rajee aur Behnjee. Sat Sri Akal.
On behalf of Captaan Balbir Singh 'Bobby', this is your Flight Supervisor Banta Singh "Bunty" welcoming to you on the P'njaab Airways flight no. 9211 (Nau Do Gyaraah) to Ludhiana.
We apalogize for the two-day delay in taking off, b'cause the sun was not shining brightly in the fog. And we are knowing the sun does not shine in the night.
Landing in Ludhiana is not dafinite, but with good luck we can be landing d'rectly in your v'llage.
P'njaab Airways has exc'llant record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so high that even the fully trained tarrists and hijackers are afraid to fly with us.
I am pleased to 'nounce that starting this year over 90% of our p'ssaingers have reached to their dest'nation.
For the rest 10%, the P'njaab Airways staff has lots of experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our Hostess Bubbly Kaur will be haippy to brief you on our out-of-court settlement policies.
If engines are too noisy, on p'ssainger request, we can turn them off for comfart, but your flight will become late and you may become the late also.
For our religious p'ssaingers, we are the only airline who can help you to contact God at once. In case of sudden loss of cabin pressure, Holy Books will be quickly distributed.
We regret that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we could not record it from the tallyvision due to power cut.
But we will be flying right naxt to Air India, where their movie can be seen from the right side cabin windows. These windows have been opened
For your viewing convenience. For p'ssaingers on left side, we have put binoculars under the seat.
If AirIndia flight is again cancelled, then for your in-flight ent'tainment. Our hostesses Bubbly Kaur & Cuckoo Kaur will do the Bhangra with flight stewards Pappu and Tappu. Oye, Balle Balle!!
Your in-flight Menu has a choice of Chicken Tikka Masala, Tandoori Fish, Dal makhani, unlimited P'ronthas and Lassi.
There is a half charge for Red Label Whiskey served from Black Label bottles. Patiala pegs will be served only on Patiala flights.
As per safety rules, smoking is not allowed on all P'njaab Airways flights over P'njaab. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines.
Please do read the 'structions on the Safety Card in seat pocket in your front side. It is not a hand fan.
The P'ssainger behind you must read the card in your backside.
Life jackets are placed under your seats for emergency water landings on any of our 5 rivers. Do not use life jackets on the land.
Kindly keep your seat in upright position for take-off & landing. Also do not use force. Broken seats will not be replaced and you will be tied to the floor during take off and landing.
Please be seated first and then fasten your seatbelts. Do not call for steward or airhostess for a glass of water when plane is taking off.
We are about to take-off. We wish you a pleasant flight. For air sikness problems we have echo friendly jute bags in the sit pokets
Thank you once again for flying with P'njaab Airways
On behalf of Captaan Balbir Singh 'Bobby', this is your Flight Supervisor Banta Singh "Bunty" welcoming to you on the P'njaab Airways flight no. 9211 (Nau Do Gyaraah) to Ludhiana.
We apalogize for the two-day delay in taking off, b'cause the sun was not shining brightly in the fog. And we are knowing the sun does not shine in the night.
Landing in Ludhiana is not dafinite, but with good luck we can be landing d'rectly in your v'llage.
P'njaab Airways has exc'llant record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so high that even the fully trained tarrists and hijackers are afraid to fly with us.
I am pleased to 'nounce that starting this year over 90% of our p'ssaingers have reached to their dest'nation.
For the rest 10%, the P'njaab Airways staff has lots of experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our Hostess Bubbly Kaur will be haippy to brief you on our out-of-court settlement policies.
If engines are too noisy, on p'ssainger request, we can turn them off for comfart, but your flight will become late and you may become the late also.
For our religious p'ssaingers, we are the only airline who can help you to contact God at once. In case of sudden loss of cabin pressure, Holy Books will be quickly distributed.
We regret that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we could not record it from the tallyvision due to power cut.
But we will be flying right naxt to Air India, where their movie can be seen from the right side cabin windows. These windows have been opened
For your viewing convenience. For p'ssaingers on left side, we have put binoculars under the seat.
If AirIndia flight is again cancelled, then for your in-flight ent'tainment. Our hostesses Bubbly Kaur & Cuckoo Kaur will do the Bhangra with flight stewards Pappu and Tappu. Oye, Balle Balle!!
Your in-flight Menu has a choice of Chicken Tikka Masala, Tandoori Fish, Dal makhani, unlimited P'ronthas and Lassi.
There is a half charge for Red Label Whiskey served from Black Label bottles. Patiala pegs will be served only on Patiala flights.
As per safety rules, smoking is not allowed on all P'njaab Airways flights over P'njaab. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines.
Please do read the 'structions on the Safety Card in seat pocket in your front side. It is not a hand fan.
The P'ssainger behind you must read the card in your backside.
Life jackets are placed under your seats for emergency water landings on any of our 5 rivers. Do not use life jackets on the land.
Kindly keep your seat in upright position for take-off & landing. Also do not use force. Broken seats will not be replaced and you will be tied to the floor during take off and landing.
Please be seated first and then fasten your seatbelts. Do not call for steward or airhostess for a glass of water when plane is taking off.
We are about to take-off. We wish you a pleasant flight. For air sikness problems we have echo friendly jute bags in the sit pokets
Thank you once again for flying with P'njaab Airways
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Catholic Mothers
Even if you didn't grow up Catholic, you'll appreciate this one....
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important
their children are.
The first one tells her friends, 'My son is a priest. When he walks
into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'
The second Catholic woman chirps, 'Well, my son is a Bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace' The third Catholic woman says smugly, 'Well, not to put you
down, but my son is a Cardinal.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence
The first three women give her this subtle 'Well...?
She replies, 'My son is a gorgeous, 6'4', hard bodied, well hung, male stripper.
Whenever he walks into a room, women say, 'Oh! ...'My God'!!!
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important
their children are.
The first one tells her friends, 'My son is a priest. When he walks
into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'
The second Catholic woman chirps, 'Well, my son is a Bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace' The third Catholic woman says smugly, 'Well, not to put you
down, but my son is a Cardinal.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence
The first three women give her this subtle 'Well...?
She replies, 'My son is a gorgeous, 6'4', hard bodied, well hung, male stripper.
Whenever he walks into a room, women say, 'Oh! ...'My God'!!!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Understanding embryo implantation offers insight
Scientists at the University of Oxford, UK, believe they have identified the way in which embryos implant in the uterus, providing essential information which may be used in the future for infertility treatments and offering hope to thousands of infertile couples. Implantation of an embryo to the lining of the mother's uterus is an essential process that takes place at an early stage of development. The embryo initially attaches and forms a contact with the uterus lining, which triggers a cascade of signals in both the embryo and the uterus. This allows cells from the embryo to start moving across into the uterus, finding blood vessels in the mother and eventually forming the placenta. Problems in the implantation process can lead to loss of potential pregnancies, even in couples trying to conceive without infertility problems. Current estimates suggest that infertility affects one in seven couples in the UK, with around 32,000 couples seeking infertility treatment each year. It is thought that a significant number of these patients could be infertile as a result of implantation problems.
The team of scientists, led by Professor Helen Mardon from the Nuffield Department of Obstetrics and Gynaecology at Oxford, along with Professor Anne J Ridley at King's College, London, added embryos to a layer of cells from uterus lining in a culture dish to mimic events in the womb. They were then able to video embryos implanting themselves in the cell layer, allowing
the scientists to dissect the molecular processes involved. Their findings were published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.Their investigation led them identify two proteins that are essential players in the implantation process. They are from the Rho GTPase family of proteins, and ensure that cells in a particular part of the uterus lining
move out of the way of the 'invading' embryonic cells. Professor Mardon said: 'We have shown that two proteins, called Rac1 and RhoA, control the invasion. The first stimulates cells in the womb lining to move and allow the embryo to invade and implant properly while the second inhibits this. We believe this controlled balance of the two proteins is critical for successful implantation of the embryo. If the balance of RhoGTPases is altered, the cells of the womb lining don't migrate and the
embryo doesn't implant'.
The findings bring new hope to people with infertility issues. The new information will help the understanding of how this process works, and therefore aid 'the development of drugs to help embryos implant properly',
said Prof Mardon.
The team of scientists, led by Professor Helen Mardon from the Nuffield Department of Obstetrics and Gynaecology at Oxford, along with Professor Anne J Ridley at King's College, London, added embryos to a layer of cells from uterus lining in a culture dish to mimic events in the womb. They were then able to video embryos implanting themselves in the cell layer, allowing
the scientists to dissect the molecular processes involved. Their findings were published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.Their investigation led them identify two proteins that are essential players in the implantation process. They are from the Rho GTPase family of proteins, and ensure that cells in a particular part of the uterus lining
move out of the way of the 'invading' embryonic cells. Professor Mardon said: 'We have shown that two proteins, called Rac1 and RhoA, control the invasion. The first stimulates cells in the womb lining to move and allow the embryo to invade and implant properly while the second inhibits this. We believe this controlled balance of the two proteins is critical for successful implantation of the embryo. If the balance of RhoGTPases is altered, the cells of the womb lining don't migrate and the
embryo doesn't implant'.
The findings bring new hope to people with infertility issues. The new information will help the understanding of how this process works, and therefore aid 'the development of drugs to help embryos implant properly',
said Prof Mardon.
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