Mr Jason Wood, Labor Minister in the Aussie Parliament

Classic Peanuts

Toilet Talk

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: *'Hi, how are you?'
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom. I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,* 'Doin' just fine!' * And the other person says:* 'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here.'
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question: 'Can I come over?'
Ok, this question is just too weird for me. I figured I could politely end the conversation. I say: No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'
Then I hear the person say, nervously: 'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions !!'

And You Thought You Were Having A Bad Day

Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house and shone his flashlight around looking for valuables.

He picked up a CD player when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: 'Jesus is watching you.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight and froze.

When he heard nothing more he continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out he heard: 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically. Finally, in the corner of the room his light beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

"The kind that would name a Doberman as Jesus."

The Booty Caller Texts You When to Make Babies

As my friends reach that point in life when they make babies (voluntarily), I can't help but be remiss that I didn't spot The Booty Caller earlier to lend a hand with conception.

The Booty Caller is a series of text messages (3 per menstrual cycle) that lets women know when they're most likely to be fertile and provide helpful fertility advice. This is the first time that ovulation alerts have been sent to cell phones — We tell you when, you decide where!

Booty Caller is a series of 18 text messages (three per menstrual cycle) that lets women know when they're most likely to be fertile and provides helpful fertility advice. When women sign up for Booty Caller, they will begin to receive text messages to their phone. Sample messages include:

• "Your fertile window starts in 1 week. Find out if your chances of getting pregnant are better in the morning."

• "Your fertile window opens today and lasts 5 more days. Stress can get in the way of conception so relax and get a massage, meditate, or take a yoga class."

• "Today is your last fertile day! If you get pregnant during this cycle, your due date will be on or around 6.25.2009.”

We're guessing that other messages include:

• You are fertile today. You will not be fertile tomorrow. Relax, this is your absolute last chance for a child.

• Tomorrow, you will be fertile. Today, you should deploy all necessary website blockers on your partner's computer.

• In this economy, are you really sure?

IAmAMan Period-Tracking iPhone App for Sleazy, Shameless "Players"

Lady-time tracking apps are nothing new, but they're typically packaged as fertility trackers, or something actually useful. Not iAmAMan, which shamelessly declares it "will help you with your private life planning" by tracking several girls.

Just in case one of your "girlfriends" asks you to open up the app—which requires a password—each girl can be set with their own separate password, so when you punch it in, it only looks like you're tracking her. Which, you know, even by itself, is still pretty sleazy and should clue her in that you're a total dirtball.

I'm actually trying to figure out how iAmAMan got into the app store when a book with some mildly bad language didn't—iAmAMan, from the title to the function, is way worse, or at least way more douchey. If you buy it, you're officially a sad little man.